Jay sends Mike boot-scootin’ straight into the tequila-soaked hellscape of Cowboy Ugly (2000)—a movie where dreams are big, tank tops are small, and apparently all of life’s problems can be solved with a gratuitous bar-top dance number. Was egregious cinematic leering over Piper Perabo, Tyra Banks, Maria Bello and Bridget Moynahan enough to help Mike endure the twangy torment of this feature-length soundtrack commercial? The guys will answer that and ponder many other existential questions, such as "who cleans up this alcohol-drenched and glass-littered horror show of a bar each night?" After the main review, the guys pull out their Bottom Five Needledrops—those cringeworthy moments when Hollywood smashed the “play” button on the most ill-fitting, and often most-overused, songs imaginable. Finally, they wrap things up with a rowdy round of Dueling Double Bills, slinging movie pairings with all the reckless abandon of a bartender spraying down a row of shot glasses. So dust off your cowboy boots, leave your inhibitions at the door, and remember: this podcast doesn’t do water, and it sure as hell doesn’t do requests!

In the latest episode of the podcast that wields films like deadly weapons, Mike drags Jay kicking and screaming into the twisted world of Rumpelstiltskin (1995)—a movie that asks the bold question, “What if a goblin got loose in 1990s Los Angeles and immediately learned to drive stick shift?” Between the boundlessly illogical plotting, endless baby screaming, and an ancient curse powered by hammy one-liners, the guys do their best to articulate a cinematic experience that feels less like a fairy tale and more like a cousin to Tommy Wiseau's The Room. After that, Jay and Mike count down their Bottom Five Names—a celebration of the worst, weirdest, and most aggressively stupid character names ever committed to film. Finally, in a heartfelt tribute, they honor the late, great Val Kilmer by playing a special round of Kick Two, Pick Two—pitting four of Kilmer’s movies against each other, with only two allowed to survive. So grab your favorite screaming infant, fire up your motorcycle, and join the fairy tale that somehow no one wanted—but everyone deserves to hear about!

If nothing else, after listening to this episode of the podcast that wields films like deadly weapons, you'll wonder what Mike is still wondering: "What the fiznuck is a Gonk?!?" Indeed, what is a Gonk and why, in this 1965 concert film disguised as a sci-fi movie, do they go Beat? Jay had no idea when he assigned Gonks Go Beat for Mike to endure this week, but do either of the guys know now? Perhaps or perhaps not, but what they do know is their list of Bottom Five British Characters, a collection of across-the-pond d-bags that explain the Revolutionary War more than any history book! After their countdown, the guys play an English-themed round of dueling double bills before Mike slaps Jay with his next filmic facepalm for the next episode. REMINDER: We're in the midst of a Sophie's Choice poll—meaning YOU, the listeners, get to decide an upcoming cinematic punishment for Jay! Will it be Street Fighter or The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? Visit filmjitsu.net to vote!