Having a roadmap to deal with your child’s Intense emotions and behaviors sounds like a great idea. Oftentimes when parents reach out for professional help, they want changes and they want them NOW. But instant results are not always the reality of raising children. On today’s episode Leslie has a conversation with bestselling author and educator Dayna Abraham about raising neurodivergent children and offering listeners a roadmap that can help. We also focus on making sure our kids don’t grow up feeling “badly” about themselves even if they do feel different by creating changes in their home environment

About our guest Dayna Abraham:

Dayna Abraham, bestselling author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world.

Time Stamps

• 6:08 Dayna Abraham’s abbreviated professional life story
• 10:00 The Roadmap framework: (Venn Diagram - The YOU Piece, Connection, Understanding, Empowerment
• 12:55 Description of Stages - Stages 1,2,3 set the foundation when you are in the eye of the storm
• 14:07 How to recoup energy
• 15:10 Putting ideas into practical examples
• 21:47 Determining when is a good time to push your child, and when to back off.
• 24:01 Work smarter not harder; sometimes kids just need to feel understood
• 28:49 Modeling flexible thinking for your child
• 29:20 Kids don’t have meta-cognition, so it helps to “think out loud”
• 29:43 Before you can self-regulate, you have to be self-aware. Kids learn self-awareness through the adults around them
• 30:58 Parents cannot expect results overnight; need to focus on themselves and their patience
• 32:06 Start with what we can control: ourselves
• 36:22 If raising a neurodivergent child, adjust your timeline and adjust your expectations
• 38:08 You’re exactly the parent your child needs

Leslie-ism: The first step to help yourself and your child is to ride out the storm.

Show Note LInks:

• Danya Abraham’s Website
  • Her podcast: www.calmthechaospodcast.com.
  • Her Book: CALM THE CHAOS: A Failproof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids
• Article by Child Mind Institute What is Neurodiversity
• Is My Child A Monster? Episode with Special Guest Dr. Liz Angoff: A conversation about Neurodivergent children
• Handout by Dr. Liz Angoff - ​​Two Sides of a Coin of having a Neurodivergent Brain
• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast

Is there an epidemic of overparenting? And if so, where does it come from? Is it parenting from a place of fear, from a place of information overload, from the anxiety that is all around us, the drive to make our children perfect or is it from the frustration of trying to raise a child who doesn’t do what you want them to do? In this third and final session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores these questions. Pedro and Claudia want to be the best parents they can be to their 16 year old son LIam, but are overparenting and doing too much undermining their efforts? Leslie turns her attention to the “overparenting problem” that’s shaping the next generation, and leaving them with lasting consequences. Together Leslie, Pedro, and Claudia discuss how to pivot from being “nagging” parents, to “chill” ones, and how to do that while still instilling your child with your core values and healthy limits.

Time Stamps

3:10 The impact of “less is more” motto on the parent-child relationship (yes we are well aware of the reversal in the podcast where by Pedro and Leslie said “more is less”

5:15 Parenting is forgiving

8:43 Three ways to change your behavior as a parent

1. 9:29 Shift from “I can’t do this” to “I will feel so much better if I do this”
2. 9:46 Get some support from partner who give you reminders and help out with the change
3. 10:35 Permission-giving. Getting the okay from someone else, someone you trust

14:25/16:39 The benefits of being a bit more “CHILL”

14:52 Finding the balance - the middle path of parenting (see the video in the show notes)

17:25 Overparenting as result of parenting from a place of fear

19:40 The myth of the parenting “deadline”

21:25 The metaphor of a plant growing and the space it needs (see video below)

24:04 Understanding who your child is to is in order to build a foundation for them

• Biological make up
• Social environment

29:43 Parents have the privilege of seeing every side of their child

30:29 We want to send the message that a child is a whole person, and that includes the good the bad and the ugly

35:16 What are you missing? What is your child’s perspective? Parents often skip this step

36:50 How would you validate your child (clue to finding their perspective)

39:07 Reframing from “my child is taking the easy way out” and “manipulating” to “he’s doing what works”

44:14 Have faith that your child will be able to solve their own problems as they grow as adults

44:39 We don’t want our children to be afraid of growing up - what can parents do about this?

Show Note Links:

• Leslie’s Video: Plants Need Space and So Do Kids
• Leslie’s Video: Stop Repeating Yourself
• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Leslie’s Video: Walking the Middle Path to Balance the Dilemmas

Leslie-ism: Beware of Overparenting. Remember Less is More!

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits:

Anxiety attacks are not something we ever want to see our kids suffer through, especially if as parents we suffer them as well. In her second session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores panic attacks and how they might differ from parent and child. The session also takes a turn towards the idea of “having the last word,” and what negative things are being reinforced when you continue to have this power struggle with your child.

Time Stamps

• 4:58 How panic attacks affect the whole family in different and unique ways
  • Symptoms of panic attacks in a child vs parent
  • The hangover of the panic attack
  • The role of a person whose partner is suffering a panic attack
• 10:22 The difference between guilt and shame
• 12:23 Feelings come and feelings go
• 13:13 Definition of panic attack.
• 15:18 Self talk skills help you when having a panic attack. Use these phrases:
  • “I am safe. I am capable.”
  • “Feelings come and feelings go” “This too shall pass”
• 17:00 Understand the cause of panic attacks
• 17:13 Develop skills before during and after panic attacks
• 19:23 Sympathetic versus parasympathetic nervous system
• 20:48 T.I.P.P.Skills to use to calm down the nervous system:
  • The divers reflex Skill
  • Intense exercise Skill
  • Paced breathing Skill
• 27:35 Finding the middle path between acceptance and change —
• 28:45 When parents practice doing less as an antidote to overparenting
• 32:12 Kids and parents who want the last word - a power struggle
• 32:20 Discuss the skills you are using with your child and even with the school so everyone is on the same page
• 35:00 When having the last word works
• 36:22 Why parents engage in the power struggle of wanting the last word
• 38:12 Have faith that what you say “registers somewhere”
• 39:30 Parents have to remember that you don’t have to prove your own sense of personal authority without getting the last word
• 40:10 Reframing where the control lies. You want to have control over your own emotions
• 40:38 Overparenting is a strategy when parents are being controlled by their fears

Show Note Links:

NIH Research Article on Panic Disorder and Best Practices

TIPP Skills including a Video of Divers reflex skill

Leslie Demonstrates How to use the Diver Reflex Skill on Video

New York Times Article about Inside Out 2

Leslie-ism: When you feel panic coming on, tell yourself, “I am safe and I am capable”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and