Getting engaged to your partner is typically a time for celebration. But for today’s guest Max Dickins, it was …. more complicated. As he prepared to propose to his girlfriend, Naomi, he had an uncomfortable revelation: he couldn’t think of anyone to ask to be his best man. This prompted a personal crisis for the writer and comedian – one which inspired him to address the dwindling friendship connections in his own life …… and to investigate the topic of male mental health and loneliness more. The result was his brilliant non-fiction book, Billy No Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem.

This is a wide-ranging discussion, which actually opens with a chat about the romance of solitude – sometimes Max has always valued, but once used as an excuse for why he sometimes had no one to see at weekends. We also cover gendered attitudes towards both solitude and loneliness, which was really interesting and definitely opened my eyes. I hope you enjoy listening.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

• Solitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.
• Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.
• Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.
• The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.
• Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.
• Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude

06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude

09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude

10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude

12:00 The Social Biome and Balance

15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men

20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning

23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection

29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact

34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude

38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation

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