Dr. Rob and Tami break down the details of honesty – when, why and how you must tell the truth to begin reestablishing trust with your betrayed partner. Recovering addicts often take breaks in their recovery meetings and goals only to discover that they have taken serious steps backward as a result. Prioritizing the 12 Step program is essential to recovery and is also a sign that the addict is prioritizing their partner as well.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:44] If sex addiction is so prevalent, why are there so many strip clubs?

[03:51] Any tips for practicing rigorous honesty?

[9:00] Slow down and just tell the truth.

[11:00] Are betrayed spouses perturbed when partners start changing?

[15:26] Honoring your boundaries when your partner is picking a fight.

[19:08] Is it okay to focus on my own steps as well as my partner’s at the same time?

[24:20] Part of recovery is developing interests that are not sex-related.

[26:00] How can we rebuild trust when the initial disclosure was dishonest?

[30:45] How can I stop obsessing over whether my partner is being honest?

[35:08] My affair partner won’t leave me alone, what kind of individual help is available to me?

[38:49] I’m the former affair partner, now he’s cheating on me.

[42:43] I’m so hurt. Is righteous victimhood a justified option?

[49:12] How can more privacy be a good option in recovery when there is no integrity?

[54:16] Prioritizing the 12 steps is prioritizing your spouse.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “The problem isn’t in all the stuff that’s out there, the problem is within us.”

• “Tell the truth and tell it faster.”

• “We don’t tell the truth for other people. We tell it for ourselves.”

• “You can’t fix your partner. You can only work on you and how you show up.”

• “Disclosure is a tool. It’s not the end point.”

• “You don’t want to do the things that have been done to you. You need support and healing so you can be at peace with what’s happened.”

Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to leave.

[6:45] Practical considerations that face the betrayed partner who is thinking about leaving.

[10:17] Are you suffering any physical or emotional abuse by choosing to stay?

[11:50] How has staying with your partner affected your physical and mental health?

[13:45] Has your partner ever voluntarily come clean about their addiction? Are they making any effort toward their progress?

[15:50] What does your support network look like?

[18:46] What is your financial situation?

[19:45] Are there children involved in your relationship?

[20:52] Are any of your needs being met in this relationship? Are you able to stay aligned to your own values and goals?

[22:09] Have other boundaries failed to work up to this point? Would leaving help your partner realize the gravity of their actions?

[24:12] Is there a foundation of love, hope, and respect in this relationship?

[27:58] The right frame of mind to help you decide whether to stay or go.

[33:06] How can I anticipate what my partner needs as we heal together?

[38:23] Is it manipulation when my partner only says what I want to hear rather than taking real accountability for what they’ve done?

[43:01] Am I enabling my partner by choosing not to divorce him for the sake of the kids?

[49:34] My husband is inconsistent about recovery. How can we move toward healing?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “If you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed and feeling like you need to leave, remember that more likely than not, you don’t have to make that decision today.”

• “Ask yourself, how has staying with your partner impacted your physical and mental health?”

• “You need to surround yourself with supportive people to help you move through the crisis into a state of figuring out how to move forward.”

• “Could your leaving be enough of a consequence to shake your partner awake?”

• “Your partner gets to decide whether they want recovery. They have choices.”

Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again? Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past. How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways?

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:27] I’m turned on by women that look nothing like my wife. What does this mean about my arousal template?

[4:30] Even models are made to feel like they are the wrong ‘type’. This isn’t about you, it’s about the broken person that is hurting you.

[6:51] It’s been 39 years without emotional intimacy. I need guidelines for living as married singles.

[10:20] Why now? Consider what is prompting you to make a major change now.

[17:34] Integrity issues are still a major problem. How can I enjoy intimacy again?

[22:58] Setting boundaries for healthy sexuality and better communication.

[26:45] Self-loathing and repulsion is a common side effect of acting out.

[29:12] How can I help support my spouse through my recovery?

[38:39] I’m open to reconciling, but he’s accusing me of still living in the past. Is this manipulation?

[44:35] Hurt spouses are often just looking to be heard and supported for a change.

[45:55] Why is my partner’s sex persona online nothing like his real life personality?

[50:05] What your partner is doing is not as important as the level of safety that you deserve to feel.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “We have to separate addiction from arousal. People have lots of fantasies that they don’t act on.”

• “It is challenging as a recovering partner to have your spouse not be focused on you.”

• “You are never, ever, ever, ever responsible for the behavior of the addict.”

• “I may feel entitled to have sex, but going and doing it is just acting out.”

• “You don’t get a gold star for not doing what you weren’t supposed to do in the first place.”

• “I want you to see reality clearly and without judgement.”