Step number one, when I took it, went like this: “I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable”. Now, as most of you know, I have developed a personal set of steps, in a form that works for me. So, my version of this step is: “I admitted I was powerless over myself, and that my life had become unmanageable”.

By the time I was ready to take this step for real, I was absolutely at the bottom for me. By that time I had been through, (approximately), 20 detox places and maybe seven or eight alcohol and drug rehab programs. I knew much of the big book, (Alcoholics Anonymous), including chapter 5, including the steps. I went to a few schools to learn about the disease of alcoholism and counseling. I worked as a counselor or therapist and knew quite a bit about addiction and the 12 step program. I, or anyone, would not have thought I would continue to be addicted to anything.

But, I kept kidding myself with the thought that this time, if I succumbed to my addiction, it would be different. This time I would be able to handle it. Well, that changed one day when I was working as a counselor or at a religious center in New York State. One day I held off and went into town to buy some clothing. I was walking along a street, saw a bar, walked right in, and sat down. The bartender came over and I ordered a beer. In the time it took for the bartender to draw that beer, many thoughts went through my head.

“You know if you drink this beer, you will not be able to stop at one, or 10 or 20.”

“You know if you do this you will lose everything you have

worked for in the past year or so.”

“You know you are going to run once more and lose all the friends you have developed so far.”

As I was thinking these thoughts, these truths, the bartender came over with my beer and I picked it up, drank it with the thought of “down the hatch”, and proceeded to order more. It was at that time in my addiction that I stopped fooling myself. I no longer could tell myself that I would just have a couple. I no longer could tell myself that this time would be different. From that point on I knew exactly who and what I was. Unfortunately, it would still be many years of wearing my mask and armor, before I would take any serious steps towards wellness.