▶︎▶︎ EPISODE NOTES

In this episode of the RelateGREAT! Podcast, licensed marriage and family therapists Emil Harker, LMFT, and Jonathan Sherman, LMFT, delve into the pursue-withdraw dynamic often seen in relationships. This is a re-broadcast of an episode Emil did on a former podcast he was involved with. They discuss the motivations behind pursuing and withdrawing behaviors and how these can create a damaging cycle if not managed properly. Jonathan and Emil share practical strategies for both pursuers and withdrawers to break the cycle and foster healthier communication and connections. By emphasizing the importance of safety and understanding, they offer actionable advice to help listeners strengthen their relationships and avoid common pitfalls.

▶︎▶︎ HIGHLIGHTS

00:00 Introduction: The Art of Listening

00:25 Stop, Look, and Listen: Practical Tips

01:40 Meet Emil Harker: A Trusted Therapist

04:20 Exploring the Pursue-Withdraw Dynamic

04:53 Common Terms and Misconceptions

05:56 The Pursue-Withdraw Cycle in Relationships

08:05 Gender Patterns and Topic-Based Dynamics

12:12 Managing the Pursue-Withdraw Dynamic

14:52 Understanding the Pursuit of Sex and Power

15:22 The Emptiness of Pursuit

16:59 The Pursue-Withdraw Dynamic

17:09 Why Do People Withdraw?

20:26 The Role of Fear in Withdrawal

20:52 Strategies for Pursuers and Withdrawers

23:46 The Importance of Safety in Relationships

26:56 Effective Communication Techniques

30:12 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Referenced Resources:

Emil Harker’s website

Get Emil’s book!

Episode Notes

This episode explores the idea that most mental and emotional issues boil down to feeling stuck. They share insights using anecdotes, metaphors, and humor while discussing basic cognitive-behavioral techniques to get 'unstuck.' They highlight the importance of distinguishing between self-worth and self-esteem, recognizing guilt versus shame, and the power of repetition in changing behaviors. The host and guest also entertain with a playful banter about outlandish ideas like selling P tubes and certificates to metaphorically and humorously address the concept of being stuck. In this lighthearted and informative episode, listeners are offered both laughter and practical advice on enhancing their mental health.

Timestamps

00:00 Introduction and Podcast Origins

01:14 Welcome to the Heavy Mental Hour

01:59 Understanding Stuckness in Therapy

04:55 The Concept of Certificates

11:00 Guilt vs. Shame

17:18 The Mechanics of Change

29:30 Visualizing the Problem

30:40 Changing Thoughts and Behaviors

31:02 Therapeutic Models and Their Evolution

31:50 Milton Erickson's Innovative Techniques

36:07 The Pee Pipe Story

44:27 Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem

52:46 The Rarity of Human Life

55:33 Humor and Therapy

57:09 Conclusion and Outtakes

Highlights:

;-) Certificates: Abdication of Responsibility, etc.

;-) Triangulation: The Wacky Therapy Game!

3 Rules for Guilt

Guilt vs. Shame

Brain Mechanics: Our 3 Brains (thinking, emotional, primitive)

CBT

The frozen locomotive

100K reps

We are slow, social learners vs. instinctual knowledge (cp to Pepper’s puppies)

The “Comma, Yet...”

Drawing: The Box

Solution Focus vs. watering the weeds

The Umbrella

Milton Erickson and the "Pee Pipe" story here.

Self-worth and self-esteem

;-) Certificate of Self-Esteem

Thought-stopping

;-) Product: Pee Pipe Kit

;-) Glutton for Punishment Certificate

Referenced Resources:

Guest Blogger: Gary Klein on Stress & Stuckness

Gary Klein, LCSW’s professional profile and contact info

Episode Notes

In this episode, part of The GREAT Relationship Masters Series (GR Masters), I talk to two sisters about their two marriages. My wife, Kara Sherman, and her sister, Kristen Sagers, giggle their way through sharing tips about having a successful marriage.

Highlights

01:58 Marriage Statistics and Realities

02:51 Examples of Good and Bad Marriages

05:16 Kristen's Marriage Story

08:29 Kara's Marriage Story

28:52 What They Like About Their Husbands

39:12 Reflecting on Personal Growth

39:41 The Importance of Communication in Marriage

46:06 Navigating Conflict and Anger

50:35 The Evolution of Love

59:16 Advice for Young Couples

01:10:00 The Role of Communication and Understanding

01:12:40 Final Thoughts on Marriage

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