What's a good enough parent?

There were many times when I was actively parenting our child that I thanked a psychology researcher named Winnicott. When he was writing (decades ago...), mothers were blamed for everything - even autism was caused by a "refrigerator mom." Winnicott came along and let moms off the hook a little bit, saying that their caring – as long as it was good enough – as long as she was consistent enough, that most children would be okay. Fathers were left out of the whole pathology-causing picture, by the way.

Frankly, I had no idea how to measure “good enough” as a mom. Since it’s 2024, let’s include fathers in that equation. What makes a good enough parent? Is being good enough…. enough? We’ll talk about the answers to these questions today on SelfWork.

The listener email I’m going to share today brought tears of gratitude into my eyes. It was one of the kindest I’d ever received, although your kindness toward me is something you – as listeners - often show me.

Excellent article by Crista Balis on good enough parenting in Todays Parent Magazine.

Article by Brittany Clair on Lucie's List about good enough parenting.

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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Today’s we’re going to focus on emotional detachment and distancing. I'll explain what it is and when it's healthy - and maybe even necessary - to do just that. I'm also going to bring forward a harsh criticism of a blogpost on unconditional love that I wrote years ago, after having the experience with parents and adult children needing to distance themselves from family, sometimes painfully, sometimes with relief.

What are some of the situations when emotional distancing or detachment is healthy?

• When expressed boundaries or basic respect for those boundaries isn’t given
• When someone won’t take any responsibility for their hurtful actions or their impact on you or others
• When there’s been a pattern of ‘honeymoon’ with many “I’m sorry’s” and “that’ll never happen agains” – but it does
• When you need a break from neediness
• When others that you love and need to protect are being affected by the chaos
• When you’re getting divorced

Today’s listener email is from a woman from Poland who describes that she’s been scared about the schizophrenia that runs in her family. And she also talks about detaching from an abandoning and abusive dad – but could only allow herself to do that this past year. I’m always so touched when someone takes the time to write – and I’d love to hear from you.

The podcast on unconditional love being used up

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today we’re focusing on the tools necessary to help you listen and "how to be there” for someone else.

We'll discuss what it’s like to listen to the stories of those who trust you to create a safe space for them to talk – and what it means to “be there” for someone. What it’s like to hear things that are very hard to hear. And what it’s like to carry on with your own life as you do so. I’m going to offer a list of eleven necessary tools that I’ve learned to use over the years. What I hope is that that list is helpful to you as you go about the business of loving others and being there emotionally for them.

I should say that this episode isn’t a substitute for any mental health treatment that you might choose or need.

And I have two listener contacts to share with you, both of which made me smile.

Nash Fung TEDx

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!