#129. What are the most valuable things we've learnt - or think really matter - after 20 years of marriage?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, exploring asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

On 26 May 2025, we celebrated 20 years of marriage! It's a big deal for us as we love being married and find we don't have that much to celebrate in life! So we decided to sit down and discuss what we've learnt over the past two decades, and share what we believe have been the most important ingredients in keeping our marriage as healthy and strong as possible.

And since we host a podcast, we thought 'why not record it for you to hear too?'

So that's exactly what we did. No editing (just the music and usual polish), a Sunday afternoon chat - published on Monday night.

In the build-up, we each wrote down our top five things we think have made the biggest difference in our relationship, but we didn’t share them with each other in advance. Were there overlaps? Surprises? Disagreements? You'll have to listen to find out!

If you’d like to hear more about us, especially our story around infertility and childlessness, you can hear us open up in a similar way in Loss 3: Loss of Fertility - https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/492a29c1/loss-3101-loss-of-fertility-chris-and-claire-sandys-part-1

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#128. Did you know you can build mental muscles, as well as physical ones? And that you can start that any time - no matter how weak you might feel?

Welcome to another My Why from Claire Sandys (co-host of The Silent Why podcast). My Why episodes are audio versions of my latest blog post.

If you'd prefer to read it, you can find it here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/how-to-build-mental-muscles-when-you-re-feeling-weak

Flexing your mental muscles is like training your body - it takes time and consistency. But once you start, they grow stronger and more reliable. In this episode, I’m sharing the tips and tools that helped me through tough times, including practical ways to stay grounded and protect your sanity and your relationships.

Think of this as a mental workout: exercises to support you when your mind feels hormonal/confused/frustrated/depressed/griefy [you fill in the gap].

For more on the Amiko Cards I mention: https://www.littlechallenges.com/store

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#127. Think menopause is just a physical change?
What if we told you it can also bring grief, loss of identity, and a hit to your mental health?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, exploring asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #62 of 101: Loss through menopause

In this episode, we welcome Diane Danzebrink, advocate, educator, and author of Making Menopause Matter. Diane experienced surgical menopause following surgery related to a potential ovarian cancer diagnosis in 2012. What followed was a mental and emotional decline that she never expected, and a battle few talk about openly.

This topic is especially close to our hearts. In 2019, Claire (your host) was also thrust into surgical menopause following a total hysterectomy, so we’ve been waiting to find the right person to speak to about the unique grief and loss tied to menopause. And we definitely found her!

Diane brings both lived experience and professional dedication to this conversation. She works tirelessly to support women through the often-invisible losses of menopause while campaigning for improved education, awareness, and support.

In this heartfelt episode, Diane speaks openly about the loss of identity, confidence, stability, and mental health, and how she ultimately transformed her pain into purpose.

Whether you’re going through menopause, supporting someone who is, or simply want to better understand this transition, this episode offers compassion, clarity, and hope.

To find out more about Diane, her book and her work:
https://dianedanzebrink.com
https://menopausesupport.co.uk/

My blog on PMDD: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/lostinside

Our story with loss of fertility & childlessness: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/492a29c1/loss-of-fertility-chris-and-claire-sandys-part-1

Sadly, since the podcast aired, the group I mentioned, Together in Surgical Menopause, had to close as a group.

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#124. Let's Chat... about seeing grief as an adventure.

Welcome to another Let’s Chat episode, where instead of continuing our 101 Types of Loss list, I sit down with guests who have expertise and personal insight into different aspects of loss.

In this episode, I (Claire) have the pleasure of talking with Bianca Neumann, the Assistant Director of Bereavement at Sue Ryder – a charity dedicated to providing the right support, at the right time, for people who are end of life or grieving.

We explore the idea of grief as an adventure - what it is, what it isn’t, and how we can navigate its unfamiliar terrain. Bianca shares insights on how grief is often misrepresented, the power of support groups, and why learning to self-soothe in sorrow matters.

We also talk about the idea that while we can’t choose our losses, we can choose how we respond. And we reflect on one powerful question: What do you want from life?

Also, Bianca adds a tool to my metaphorical shed, which is bursting with resources to help us grow through grief.

For more about Bianca and Sue Ryder's work (including their Grief Kind Spaces), visit:

https://www.sueryder.org/authors/bianca-neumann/

https://www.sueryder.org/our-campaigns/grief-deserves-better/

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/

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Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy

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How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

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#125. What impact can possessions have on grief? The lack of them, the loss of them, too many of them etc.

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, exploring asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #61 of 101: Loss of possessions

In this episode we welcome Naomi Westerman, a playwright, screenwriter, and author from South East London. Naomi's experienced profound loss from a young age, and with that, the difficult task of sorting through her loved ones’ possessions.

Naomi shares about the emotional weight of dealing with a parent's belongings after they die, the unexpected and sometimes painful discoveries made during this process, and how our personal experiences, relationships, and circumstances shape the way we interact with these items.

She also talks openly about her two-year journey to sort through her mum’s house and the surprising childhood object she still treasures, and the special jumper she chose for her dad’s burial.

Naomi has also wrestled with the difficult "why" questions that can arise in grief – Why me? Why did this happen? So, she shares with us what has helped her find healing, connection, and hope.

To find out more about Naomi and her book, Happy Death Club, visit:

http://www.naomiwesterman.com
http://www.happydeathclub.org
http://www.instagram.com/naomi_writes_death

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

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#124. Let's Chat... about how writing and running can help us through grief.

Welcome to another Let’s Chat episode, where instead of continuing our 101 Types of Loss list, I sit down with guests who have personal insight into different aspects of loss.

In this episode, I (Claire) have the pleasure of talking with fellow podcaster and writer, Justin Creps. Justin is a teacher based in Ohio and co-hosts the podcast Writing in Progress, which is how I first discovered him.

Justin and I share a deep love for podcasting and writing - though he’s also an avid runner, which is where our similarities take a sharp turn! But when I learned how both writing and running helped him process grief, I was keen to chat about it.

Justin had shared a powerful blog post with me, one he wrote in 2022 about navigating the grief of his wife’s miscarriage. His story is a moving reminder that we all process loss in our own ways, and it sparked an important conversation about the role of creativity in grief.

In this episode, we explore writing as a tool for processing grief (fiction or nonfiction), how life’s hardest moments shape us as writers, the unexpected ways helping others can also help us heal, and how running plays an important role in Justin’s journey.

This is an honest, heartfelt conversation about grief, resilience, and the power of storytelling. I can’t wait for you to hear it.

Find out more:

Justin and his writing: https://www.justincreps.com

'Hey Logan' blog post: https://jmcmarathon.blogspot.com/2022/02/hey-logan.html?view=flipcard

'"Why did it matter?" - My final thoughts to the class of '22' blog post: https://jmcmarathon.blogspot.com/2022/06/why-did-it-matter-my-final-thoughts-to.html?view=flipcard

'The Red Line' blog post: https://jmcmarathon.blogspot.com/2021/04/the-red-line.html?view=flipcard

Writing in Progress podcast: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1124339 https://www.instagram.c

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What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com

Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy

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How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

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#123. Can hope be found in 101 different types of loss?

We're well on our way to finding out, as we reach another milestone!

We've hit loss number 60 on our mission to explore 101 different types of permanent loss, meaning we only have 41 (!) to go. Now over halfway to our goal.

In this episode, we (Chris & Claire Sandys) pause briefly to discuss life in general (something new we thought we'd try!), the last batch of losses (51-60), and what nuggets of wisdom we've taken from each guest.

We're loving every second of talking to others on this podcast, but we're also learning a lot about healthy ways to process our own grief, whether childlessness, pets, relatives, friends, health, or even just the day-to-day losses we sometimes face.

And the not-yet-famous-but-might-be-one-day 'Hermontage' is back! As we, once again, mix together the last 10 guests' Hermans. If you don't know what a Herman is, check out the link below.

Huge thanks to Thea Rickard, Mark Field, Laura Burns, Lisa Newman, Kay Backhouse, Jared Altic, Rachel Hart, Dannie-Lu Carr, Ken Anderson and Bex Eyles.

If you'd like to see our guests and encourage them, pop over to our social media for the latest collage of their lovely faces and hit 'like'.

Full list of our 101 losses: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/101losses

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

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#122. Let's Chat... about how the Covid pandemic reshaped important death rituals.

These 'Let’s Chat' episodes are conversations with guests who have experience/expertise in a particular area of loss.

In this episode, I (Claire Sandys) chat to Natasha Mikles who is an assistant professor at Texas State University.

Natasha is a scholar of stories about death and what happens next, and researches traditions related to death and grief around the world (especially in Tibet and the Americas). Her most recent book, ‘Shattered Grief: How the Pandemic Transformed the Spirituality of Death in America’, examines how Covid-19 affected the spirituality of death and the grieving rituals surrounding it.

Grief is not just a personal experience, it is a community journey shaped by rituals that connect us to the dead and each other. This conversation reveals how Covid-19 drastically altered the rituals we rely on during loss, redefining our understanding of mourning.

We explore the fascinating world of death rituals across different cultures, including the Tibetan sky burial ceremony. Natasha and I reflect on how the pandemic forced religious communities to innovate, balancing tradition with contemporary needs, often using technology as a bridge to maintain connection in times of isolation.

This episode discusses the vital role of community in mourning, the psychological impact of Covid-related deaths, the importance of ritual, how other cultures and religions honour and recognise death, and how Covid-grief can differ from other forms of grief.

Plus, how you can have your body eaten by vultures in the US ...legally!

For more about Natasha: www.hellscholar.com

For her book:
https://cup.columbia.edu/book/shattered-grief/9780231558921
Amazon: https://gogl.to/3Mzd

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What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com

Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy

Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter

How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

Thank you for listening.