The Battery Operated Magic Toupee landed in the planet U-I-whatever.

U-I-whatever is the planet of social media. It isn't the case that person-to-person interactions are just looked down… they are forbidden. A live conversation, in person, with another being is considered, in the words of the planet’s greatest intellect, “Eeeech… how fucking cringeworthy.”

After an eight-hour live feed of sleep, including instances of unconscious mutterings and the occasional sleep farts, a typical day on U-I- begins with citizens waking up from their slumber and graciously say “thank you to all you wonderful people, I hope you enjoyed watching me sleep.”

Ironically, or just due to poor social planning, no-one ever watches any of the 8 billion podcasts since every person is pooping out their own show 29/8 (there are 29 hours a day and 8 days a week on this planet – which makes life even more torturous),]

The Battery Operated Magic Toupee just sat and watched it’s favourite channel, “The Doris Finklestein Having Her Evening Bowel Movement Podcast.”

And now lets hear The Battery Operated Magic Toupee – the Podcast… while not as good as or on the same intellectyal level as we get to hear something, not as good as The Doris Finklestein Having Her Evening Bowel Movement Podcast”... it’s the only one we have.

The battery-operated magic toupee landed on the most egocentric planet in the galaxy. ME is a world of PURE self-indulgence and the only planet in the cosmos that demands, under penalty of cancellation, that its name, ME, is always written in capital letters and in bold and underlined.

As soon as The Battery Operated Magic Toupee landed on ME launched it’s one battery-operated magic toupee show… which is similar to a one man show but with a battery operated magic toupee instead.

The one Battery Operated Magic Toupee show, entitled “I Toupee” was part one of a five part trilogy. So far no-one on Planet ME or elsewhere has been able to make it to the end of this pretentious vanity snoozefest.

In reviewing the theatrical ‘what-ever-the-fuck-it-is’, Ken Blench, critic for the ‘Egocentric Times’, wrote “… This review is in honour of the ten other critics who did not survive the first painful, agonizing, brain-damaging 15 minutes of this theatrical thing and ceremoniously committed suicide by taking their earplugs out and forcing themselves to listen to the battery-operated magic toupee's second soliloquy, which began, “Oh toupee, oh toupee, battery, battery, oh woe, woe is me, in my splendouristic multidimensional awesomeness.”

And as our favourite Battery Operated Magic Toupee poses naked in a mirror and admires itself – we play the latest episode of the podcast.

(NOTE: We, the producers, apologize for this first episode of the new season transmitted from planet SorryArse).

The Battery-Operated Magic Toupee visited the sorriest planet in the known universe. The planet SorryArse. SorryArse is the pitiful excuse for a planet masquerading as an apology of a rotating rock with people living on it.

while dwelling on the planet Sorry-Arse, The Battery-Operated Magic Toupee had an opportunity to mull over its faecal-encrusted data that was season one of the the podcast.

It confronted the non-stop stream of diarrhoea… (note to editor - it's critical that there are no pauses in the middle of this sentence otherwise you'll think we're referring to “stream of diarrhoea” instead of what we intend to say - “stream of diarrhoea JOKES”)As we were saying… The battery-Operated Magic Toupee mulled over the non-stop stream of diarrhoea jokes, poo gags, and farty sound effects.

It regretfully pondered the lack of intelligence, the lack of sophistication, and the lack of something else it couldn’t can’t recall another word that describes what it should be mentioning here but we can't recall.

While trapped in the self-pitying atmosphere of infectious regret, The Battery-Operated Magic Toupee broadcasted its’ mighty apologetic message to an unforgiving universe and promised to keep up the good work for the new season of the battery-operated magic toupee season .

And now The Battery Operated Magic Toupee – season two, episode one… but first “Who's Sorry Now” by Patsy Cline.