Well, now that I’ve gotten God’s attention, not I could get on with the problem of turning things over. After all, my old life was still pulling me fiercely. I believe, for a brief while, I thought I was in a position to negotiate with God. I realize now how difficult it was for me to surrender my old way of life. It was like, I could go along with leaving the spiritual stuff to God, but I will continue to handle the day-to-day “living” stuff.

Believe me, my friends, when I think of my attitude in those early days, I truly wonder how I made it at all!

As I alluded to in the previous three description, I knew I had a thread, or spark, if you will, somewhere deep inside of me. Even though my life was almost totally negative, I seem to always carry that “idea” of God with me. Now it was time for what I call, the big conversation with God. I had no idea how, or where, to begin.

This wonderful and glorious spiritual awakening

Took Pl. in Lewiston, Maine. Of course, at the time, I didn’t realize it a was a glorious and/or wonderful experience. One day, however, I found myself kneeling in a beautiful, magnificent, cathedral close by. I wondered why there was such a huge church in a smallish town like Auburn, Maine. It seemed to me, at that time, that it was important there was no one around. Even though I planned on a silent conversation with God, I was sure there was people around, they would hear me.

So, as many of you know, this is my most favorite of all of the steps. Now I am going to tell you why, but not only why, but how I actually approached this step when I decided to work the program in earnest. I have constantly touted how this is, in my estimation and experience, a God-given program. I have also remarked about its organization and how well one particular step leads naturally and spiritually into the next. When I reached the third step, I was literally broken. I was, however, hanging onto some semblance of a higher power. This really saved me, I’m kept me from floundering in the program without direction. I believe now that this little thread of higher power, this faint awareness of the knocking of our Holy Spirit, can get us on track to begin the repair of our lives.

The third step tells me that I need to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. What would necessitate such a decision? What could overcome this so-called ego of mine so much that I would think that there might be a better way? Well, for me it wasn’t difficult! At that point I seem to have one foot in the ice cold water, and the other foot on thin ice.

As I continue, I found myself at step number two, I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. As in step one, it seemed like my first time seeing or understanding, in my limited way, step number two.

I had always had some beliefs in God. It was my self that I had a real problem with. Most of my life I forced myself to be separate from God, mainly because I did not believe God could love a loser like me. But for some reason, those words of the second step seemed to burn into my being. I could see, just how insane my life had become. I believed, as it said in the first step, that I had not been able to manage my own life. I needed help desperately, and perhaps for the first time in all seriousness, I completely threw myself at the feet of God. I truly believed that God could help if I was able to get my self out of the way.

For the first time I was able to understand that my life was truly insane. It was truly unmanageable. I needed a manager and I believed, for the first time, that my only option left, my only chance at life itself, was to accept the help of God.

Well, I have just accepted step number one as a “fact” of my life. I was truly at the very lowest point in my existence. Nothing else mattered, other than to run away, keep drinking, and wallow in my bottomed-out self-esteem and self-pity.

Now, here comes one of the many miraculous parts of this 12-step program. It is the answer to the problem I recognized and admitted in step one. As you may have heard me say many times before, I easily compared myself to the story about the person that got hit by a bus. They were trying to cross a busy street in downtown New York City. The life had changed to “don’t walk”, but that person decided they could make it across the street anyway, and avoid the oncoming traffic. Well, they no sooner stepped off the curb when they were hit by a bus. After spending quite a while in the hospital, they were finally released to continue with their life. They found themselves at the same street crossing, with the blinking “don’t walk” sign. Once again, the insanity set in and they said to themselves, “this time I can do it. This time it will be different”. Once again they were hit by the bus and started the cycle all over again. They kept repeating their behavior and became sad and devastated. This is what happened to my life, my “bus” being alcohol. I was truly at bottom when it seemed like I saw the first step for the first time. I could not manage my life! My behavior had truly become a sign of insanity. One definition of insanity I found is: unsoundness of mind or lack of the ability to understand that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship. This is certainly the point I was at. Was I doomed to this wife forever? No, because here is the beginning of an answer. Here is step number two.

I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

I hope you enjoy and derive a benefit from this podcast.

So, in the last episode, I drank my way out of the service and began a life that I could only describe as a life of insanity. After all, every single time I drank, it was like a means to an end that was never a good one. The cycle during those years was usually coming off a drunk, usually ending up in some sort of rescue facility, or a cheap room somewhere, getting a job, possibly attending 12 step meetings and becoming involved, (at least on a surface level), and always meeting nice, helpful people. Finally I once again arrived at the point where I felt I couldn’t play this charade any longer, and began to drink once more. No matter where I was or what I was doing, as soon as I took that first drink, all was over. Thus began the cycle once more.

As I said, over those years, there were periods of deep involvement with the 12 step program, and eventually, slightly longer periods of sobriety, enabling me to do some work as a therapist and counselor as well as attend three or four schools to learn about addiction counseling. When my drinking brought me to yet another program of therapy as a patient, I had already learned so much about myself, about alcoholism, and about the 12 step program, that I really tuned myself out, yet still went through the motions.

Finally, during my last drunk, I was so far at the bottom that I actually was considering ending it all, something that never seemed possible for me because I thought it would completely remove any connection, however slight, I had with God. I asked the bartender for a phone book so I could look up auto supply stores where I could buy along to run from my exhaust. As I thumbed through the A’s in the “A” listings in the phone book, my finger landed on a phone number for AA. I decided to call the number and they told me where a meeting would be that evening. I believe that bartender was my first “angel” that evening. I also believe that moment in that bar was the first moment of my troop Enlightenment, the gift associated with the first step.

In this episode, I will continue the story as I describe my next two angels.

I left off in the last episode or podcast where I was headed into the Army. After running away from home and having a couple of minor run-ins with the law I wanted to get away my parents thought it might be a really good idea for the Army to “straighten me out”. It did not work! I guess I really saw the Army has one big drinking club. I somehow ended up as a military policeman. Basically the Army took a 17-year-old alcoholic and gave him a 45 and a carbine, and sent them off to work. I was lucky I didn’t kill someone because, of course, I could never be trusted to not be drinking.

After leaving the service, my life developed a pattern. The details were different in each episode, but the overall scenario was the same. I started off somewhere, possibly at my parents home, or in some state that I ended up in, and began all over again. I would find a job, that I may or may not have been qualified to do, (I sometimes lied about my experiences, but I had the ability to adapt and learn just about any job), and usually do well at the job. I was always likable, at least if I was sober. I always concurrently was involved with 12-step program where I went through the motions, but never truly participated in.

Eventually, the connections that I made with people, and the usual success in doing whatever job I had acquired, became too much for me. The whole mask and armor thing was too much to bear. I have described it in other writings as being similar to a pressure boiler with water inside, fire below, and steam pressure building up. There was an outlet valve to release the pressure, but unfortunately that relief valve for me was alcohol and escape. In a nutshell, my life became a series of good starts, some success, meeting new friends, and eventually through drinking, tearing the rug out from under myself.

Step number one, when I took it, went like this: “I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable”. Now, as most of you know, I have developed a personal set of steps, in a form that works for me. So, my version of this step is: “I admitted I was powerless over myself, and that my life had become unmanageable”.

By the time I was ready to take this step for real, I was absolutely at the bottom for me. By that time I had been through, (approximately), 20 detox places and maybe seven or eight alcohol and drug rehab programs. I knew much of the big book, (Alcoholics Anonymous), including chapter 5, including the steps. I went to a few schools to learn about the disease of alcoholism and counseling. I worked as a counselor or therapist and knew quite a bit about addiction and the 12 step program. I, or anyone, would not have thought I would continue to be addicted to anything.

But, I kept kidding myself with the thought that this time, if I succumbed to my addiction, it would be different. This time I would be able to handle it. Well, that changed one day when I was working as a counselor or at a religious center in New York State. One day I held off and went into town to buy some clothing. I was walking along a street, saw a bar, walked right in, and sat down. The bartender came over and I ordered a beer. In the time it took for the bartender to draw that beer, many thoughts went through my head.

“You know if you drink this beer, you will not be able to stop at one, or 10 or 20.”

“You know if you do this you will lose everything you have

worked for in the past year or so.”

“You know you are going to run once more and lose all the friends you have developed so far.”

As I was thinking these thoughts, these truths, the bartender came over with my beer and I picked it up, drank it with the thought of “down the hatch”, and proceeded to order more. It was at that time in my addiction that I stopped fooling myself. I no longer could tell myself that I would just have a couple. I no longer could tell myself that this time would be different. From that point on I knew exactly who and what I was. Unfortunately, it would still be many years of wearing my mask and armor, before I would take any serious steps towards wellness.